Stand divided, stand alone

Sorry. late post. I'll do better next time blah blah blah.....

Almost everyone will have to stand alone at some point in their lives. Sometimes that the right choice it the one where your made to face wrong alone. But when your making a choice it is crucial that you have no doubt, no regret before and after the consequence, and follow thorough to the end. If you can't abide by these conditions you become divided, you doubt yourself. You wonder, is this the right decision? Am I in the right? At this moment you become the enemy and lead yourself down a self destructive path. I was told too late in my life when someone said, "Live your life without any regrets." I got angry at them for not telling me sooner, why wasn't this told when i could first comprehend language? It is something that am now at peace with, I have yet to meet the person who has no regrets. I have made many decisions where i argue to myself whether they were the right or wrong, but in the end it is just a simple decision, nothing too major. If it was then oh well, remember to do better next time. At least divided you will feel a little relief when the moment comes where you say, "See, i knew in my gut that was the right decision." Publicly standing divided is a bit more acceptable then taking an aggressively forward stance.

Standing divided i will argue is worse than standing alone. Its better to have a hoard of enemies then to be your own. But standing alone isn't always the correct decision. Perhaps your the only one standing for the wrong option, sometimes following the crowd is the correct thing to do, at least for the time being. Many times i have stood alone, one of the only ones to make a decision that i believed was correct. On more than one occasion i was wrong, this has dissuaded me from making a spectacle of myself by stating Right and Wrong. But i have also felt the sting of being alone when making the objectively right choice. Having to betray friends because i believed i was right. The loneliness is something everyone will have to face no matter how right you are. I would rather stand alone for the right decision then to stand divided.

What would you rather stand? Divided or Alone.

What's the point...

Well gang, i have another late post because of my lousy prioritizing skills. I was playing minecraft with my friends and then my dad wanted to get on the computer to "check something". "Checking Something" turned into 3 hours of watching movies. I decided that it would be best to just go to bed, completely forgetting about my post. I woke up this mourning watching the Colbert Report and suddenly it became apparent that i had forgotten to blog. *Face Palm*

Lately i have started to question the point of my life. I work at a job where i only get 4-5 hours a week which has been going on even before i started college. My parents are getting a divorce and both are directly and indirectly trying to paint each other as the bad guy. My brother is oblivious to everything going around him and is so self centered that he has little to no empathic ties with anyone, that on top of the fact that he's lazy as hell. But those are just stress's in my life, things that make me think deeply about the issues around me. School is also another creator of stress, I'm on academic probation and am doing poorly in all but one class...

All of this has got me wondering, what's the point of it all? What's the point of my job, my parents, my brother, my school. What's the point of my life? I often fantasize about running away from home, taking all the money in my bank account and running from it all. Completely unrestrained freedom is what i crave, to see the world is what i want to do. How am i doing that sitting in a class room typing papers, listening to lectures, stocking shelves at work, and sitting at home washing dishes... It's not. Sure its making a good resume for myself by going to college but i don't even know what I'm doing here. My dream (probably just a goal that i fabricated for myself) is becoming a geneticist. Exploring the human gene and unlocking it's secrets was my goal but now it's becoming distant with all the work that i have to do and the difficulties I'll have to overcome. And even if i do triumph, then what? Work hard as a geneticist and eventually retire. WORK WORK WORK! That's all i see within the American dream. Sure there's good work, fulfilling work, and important work but whats the point of all that? I fully embrace the fact that i am going to die. I don't know when, i don't know how, i just am and everyone else is as well. And i am infuriated at sciences attempt at fabricating immortality, whats the point of a story that will never end? When you have seen all there is and done all that can be done then what? Where's the finality, the end of your road. In the end, whether we like it or not, is darkness. Nothing at the end, nothing. Everything will turn into nothingness and there is nothing humans or any other being can do to stop it. I think there is no point of taking any roads that life lays out for you if they all reach the same end. In the end one will die and be forgotten. Their works eventually tossed aside for being outdated and boring. I don't see the point of it.

I watch a show called Torchwood that confirms for the characters that there is nothing after death but infinite and lonely darkness. One character asked what's the point of it all? The other character (who had died before) said this is it, This right now is the point of life. Arguing to make the best and most of it. Another character in the series is completely immortal. He finds little to no pleasure in his life because there is no constant threat of death convincing him to do something. He undergoes a level of sadness that no human being can accurately comprehend, he sees loved ones age and die before his eyes and nothing can alleviate the pain but to try and forget....But he believes that forgetting those who died would be worse then any sin he ever commit. So it left me with a sense of complete and total helplessness, immortality kills you morally, mentally, and emotionally. While not being immortal leaves you to face infinity of nothingness. Which is worse?

I can't believe that making the most of life by eking out all the pleasure you can while making a difference in the world or universe is even a worthwhile existence either. I'm just at a loss for motivation, going through the motions of life.  (Please spare your comments about the worry for my well being. I think it would be better if you commented on someone elses post.)

Lateness

No time like the present everyone says. But it is also true that there will be a tomorrow. Some say why do for today when you can save for tomorrow. Well i was too engrossed in what i was doing to remember to blog on Sunday so i am late in my post. I feel that even though I'll probably not get graded for this it is still something that should be done (That and I'm putting off my other paper due tomorrow).

Time is so grand and trivial. Everything is due at a certain time but there is always a factor of being late. I recall many times i have arrived late to an appointment or engagement. How can you be late? There is virtually unlimited time in the world so why is it so important to be at a certain place at a certain time? I guess people are afraid of choas. everyone doing things without the frame of refferance of time.Can you imagine your life without the idea of time. The sun rises and sets, the seas tide still storms the beach and retreats but you can't tell how long its been or when something will happen or tell if anthing had happened. No seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, centeries, millenia. No way to record time. Its a chaotic idea, one that makes me smile just thinking about it. It can allow us to not worry. To go about our lives without being pushed forward constantly by the flow of today's modern life. No more lateness but i guess it would be called choas then.

Power

While shoveling i thought about how the shovel moved the snow. Not really the physics behind the act but more or less the principle of the matter. The shovel had power over the snow, the word I used was Sovereignty. Sovereignty is having power over something else, sort of a king and peasant relationship. I thought about this and realized that all power is Sovereignty. Humans have Sovereignty of the world. We use the earth and mine its resources and rarely give back. We are a greedy Sovereign. But at the same time the earth has Sovereignty over us. It throws tornadoes and hurricanes at us and there is nothing in all our power we can do to stop them. A volcano erupts and we run from the lava. A tsunami floods the land and we attempt to pick up the pieces. If the Earth were a living organism much like ourselves it may attempt to have full Sovereignty over the air and choke us with our own breath. But as always in the world there will be Sovereignty.   

Sight

Recently i have had a feeling as if I were blind. Though i do not have perfect vision i can still see quite well. I can read without error and identify objects at a good distance away with my glasses but it doesn't feel as if I'm seeing a tree outside the window or the monitor in front of my face. There is seeing and object and there is "Seeing". I feel as if there are thousands of things that i simply do not "see" on a regular bases like a fly on the wall when rushing to class or a cloud in the sky when driving home. These things pass us by when we prioritize. There is so much wonder in the world but now it seems few of us see it or acknowledge it at face value. I know that there are important things in our lives that we are compelled to but there is something equally important by just sitting down and looking out your window. On the other side of the coin there is also many horrible things in the world that we do not see. You hear about famine in countries that are beyond our sight and we feel pity and think of ways to help but rarely act upon them. We would forget ourselves if we saw famine in front of us now. But for most acknowledging a problem involves the "Seeing" of the problem. So I ask, what good is our sight? There is so much to see, so much that I can confidently say that no one person will ever see it all. But we should not let that stop us, we should let it inspire us. That there is always something unknown out there, something to take as it is, at face value. Sight should be used to see the smallest details, admire beauty and horror alike. Take time to just watch the world. Let your eyes guide and inspire you.